It’s as old as geekdom to pit our obsessions against each other in fictional battles. Many an argument has been had, and several friendships tested.
But, what if we put same against relative same? Let’s say, hypothetically, all of the best (or worst) Disney villains got in a scrap, who would win? Well, wonder no longer! Using sophisticated algorithmic techniques (and a lot of explode-y sounds made with my mouth whilst bashing action figures together), I have created a definitive match-up guide to Disney’s most evil evildoers. Be sure to leave your thoughts, and suggestions for future match-ups in the comments below!
Maleficent vs. Jafar
Title:
Mistress of All Evil ~|~ Sultan-by-proxy
Type:
Evil Fairy ~|~ Human Mage
Weapon of Choice:
Golden Staff ~|~ Snake Staff
Special Skill:
Turning in to a Dragon | Turning into an all-powerful Genie
Defining Trait/Quirk:
A desire for party invites ~|~ A desire for family life/supreme power
Sidekick(s):
Diablo (bird) ~|~ Iago (bird)
Weakness:
Heart Attacks/ Royalty with a good arm ~|~ Huburis/Street rats
Winner:
Maleficent
Still the reigning Mistress of All Evil, she is not restricted in her most powerful form as a dragon, whereas Jafar is beholden to the wills of his lamp. Knowing her penchant for creative evil, Maleficent would most likely be able to use this to her advantage.
Mother Gothel vs. Lady Tremaine
Title:
Witch (I think?) ~|~ Lady
Type:
Human/Immortal ~|~ Human/Immoral
Weapon of Choice:
Dagger ~|~ Psychological Abuse
Special Skill:
Songwriting ~|~ Hype Man
Defining Trait/Quirk:
Taking in unwanted blonde stepdaughters ~|~ Taking in unwanted blonde stepdaughters
Sidekick(s):
Hired Siblings ~|~ Biological Siblings
Weakness:
Barbers ~|~ Shoemakers
Winner:
Mother Gothel
While Tremaine is a brand of evil in her own right, Gothel has demonstrated a willingness, and an aptitude for taking out her competitors a bit more aggressively.
Clayton vs. Gaston
Title:
Adventuring Guide ~|~ Hometown Hero
Type:
Hunter (w/moustache) ~|~ Hunter (w/o moustache)
Weapon of Choice:
Boomstick ~|~ Musket
Special Skill:
Men’s fashion accessories ~|~ Rustic Interior Design
Defining Trait/Quirk:
A penchant for xenophobia ~|~ A penchant for eggs
Sidekick(s):
His own chin ~|~ LeFou
Weakness:
Sharp drops ~|~ Sudden stops
Winner:
Clayton
As robust as Gaston’s skills are as a hunter, it all comes down to firepower. Clayton’s got better equipment, and more opportunity to use it.
Scar vs. Shere Khan
Title:
Lion King ~|~ Tiger King
Type:
Ostracized cat ~|~ Ostracized cat
Weapon of Choice:
Claws/teeth ~|~ Claws/teeth
Special Skill:
Inspiring the proletariat ~|~ Stripes? I guess?
Defining Trait/Quirk:
Scar Striping Face ~|~ Stripes Striping Face
Sidekick(s):
Hyenas ~|~ Kaa
Weakness:
Insubordination ~|~ Man’s red fire
Winner:
Scar
Even if this is a 1v1 fight, Scar could take a hit, as evidenced by his fight with Simba, but it’s doubtful that it’d be a fair fight. Scar’s command over the hyenas would surely come in to play, and turn the tides on the fight. Long live the king.
Governor Ratcliffe vs. Judge Claude Frollo
Title:
Municipal Leader w/ silly hat ~|~ Municipal Leader w/ silly hat
Type:
Invader ~|~ Adjudicator
Weapon of Choice:
Flintshot ~|~ Piety
Special Skill:
Chess ~|~ Tending hearth
Defining Trait/Quirk:
GOLD ~|~ SIN
Sidekick(s):
Percy ~|~ God
Weakness:
Gold ~|~ God
Winner:
Judge Frollo
The Governor certainly has him outgunned, but also has too much sucking up on record to the church and authority. Plus, all those big words Frollo uses would surely confuse and overtake him.
Hades vs. Chernabog
Title:
God of the Underworld ~|~ God of the Night
Type:
Olympian/Immortal ~|~ Demon/Immortal
Weapon of Choice:
Hot-headedness ~|~ Himself
Special Skill:
Control over the dead ~|~ Raising of the dead
Defining Trait/Quirk:
Sparkling conversationalist ~|~ Strong, silent type
Sidekick(s):
Pain & Panic (demons) ~|~ Pain & Panic (actions)
Weakness:
Zeus’ son ~|~ The sun
Winner:
Chernabog
When it’s god up against god, it really comes down to who can bring the most deity to the party. The sheer scale of Chernabog, means that even with equal durability, eventually he will win. Also, Hades has a track record with losing to the dead.
Yzma vs Ursula
Title:
Advisor/Scientist ~|~ Sea Witch
Type:
Really old, old human ~|~ O- Octopus Mermaid? Octomaid?
Weapon of Choice:
Tonics, tinctures, potions, and salves ~|~ Legalese
Special Skill:
Surprise garter knife ~|~ Body language
Defining Trait/Quirk:
Elaborate scheming ~|~ That good, good cackle
Sidekick(s):
Kronk ~|~ Flotsam & Jetsam
Weakness:
Labels ~|~ Boats
Winner:
Yzma
It’s a classic case of science trumping magic. Whatever Ursula can conjure, odds are Yzma has a vial of something that can take it. Go Science!
Captain Hook vs. Shan Yu
Title:
Captain ~|~ Commander
Type:
Pirate ~|~ Leader
Weapon of Choice:
Hook ~|~ …or by crook
Special Skill:
Riding the high seas ~|~ Riding a mountain… or rather, the mountain riding him
Defining Trait/Quirk:
…it’s in the name ~|~ I mean, a distant relative of Azazel? That’s a deep-cut Supernatural reference.
Sidekick(s):
Smee (first mate) ~|~ Hayabusa (falcon)
Weakness:
Ageism ~|~ Sexism
Winner:
Shan Yu
Let’s face it- Hook is pretty inept.
Shan Yu, on the other hand, SURVIVED AN AVALANCHE.
Dr. Facillier vs. Oogie Boogie
Title:
Voodoo priest ~|~ Sack with bugs
Type:
Shadowmancer ~|~ Sack with bugs
Weapon of Choice:
Playing Cards ~|~ Sack with bugs
Special Skill:
Has read all the “Transformers” novels ~|~ Is literally a sentient sack with a bunch of bugs
Defining Trait/Quirk:
Impressive haberdashery ~|~ Did we mention the bugs?
Sidekick(s):
Friends on the other side ~|~ Children. For some reason.
Weakness:
Letting his work get to him ~|~ The sack getting ripped. Because of all the bugs.
Winner:
Oogie Boogie
What’s Faciller going to do, turn him in to other bugs? He likes being bugs!
BUGS.
Prince Hans of the Southern Isles vs. Queen Grimhilde
Title:
Prince ~|~ Queen
Type:
Jerk ~|~ Human? Alchemist?
Weapon of choice:
Sword/Smarm ~|~ Produce/Heart-shaped box
Special Skill:
Being literally the worst ~|~ Longbottoming
Defining Trait/Quirk:
Glove enthusiast ~|~ Vanity
Sidekick(s):
Anna (unbeknownst to her) ~|~ A talking mirror
Weakness:
A Mortal Kombat fatality move ~|~ Twue Wuv
Winner:
Prince Hans
In a shocking upset, victory goes to the whiny youngest of 12. Why? Because he’s exactly the type of scum the Queen would go for- handsome, charming, and over-enthusiastic in his compliments.
How’d I do? Did I miss any villains? Any match-ups you think I decided incorrectly (I mean, I didn’t, but hey. You can have opinions)? Comment below!
