Splash Mountain: A Tale of Survival

Have you ever had one of those ideas that looks good on paper, but becomes an entirely different beast when it actually happens?

Well, on Wednesday, January 27th of 2016, one of those ideas came to be during a chilly day at Disneyland.

The idea was simple enough:

The combination of an off-season day in the park, plus a bit of colder weather (at least for Southern California), meant that certain rides would be easier to get on. Specifically, those rides with… adverse effects.

Therefore, I decided to go on Splash Mountain.

I decided to ride Splash Mountain as many times as I could in one day.


As with any good adventure, friends joined in, and ground rules were put in place.

-Every ride would be a legitimate full circuit, with entry, trip, exit, and candid photo

-In said candid photos, efforts would be taken to be uniquely photogenic

-The attraction would be ridden from park opening until park closing, with minimal breaks for food, drink, and any other necessities

Joining me for the entirety of this adventure was a one Steven Thomas, political commentator extraordinaire (@DWATG on the Twitters), and only person crazy enough to commit to the entire day. Many other guests joined over the course of the day, only adding to the spiraling insanity.

What follows is a picture-by-picture account of the lunacy that ensued. Please keep all hands, arms, feet, and legs inside the crazy.


  1. The First One


A bit on the nose with this pose, but hey. It was our first outing, and I think we felt optimistic.

We were unprepared.


  1. The Fall


Ha Ha! Look at us, enjoying an empty log, feigning fear! So young. So carefree!


  1. Deep Thought


Wow, only the third trip? The ride has already lost a bit of its luster. Better ponder life…


  1. Fatigue


Only four? This is- well. We must rest.


  1. Live Long, and Prosper


Come now, we‘re geeks! We‘ve been marathoning things since before Trek! We‘ve got this.


  1. Oops.


We thought about the bad Trek films. Hope is waning.


  1. A Wild Caitie Appears!


Hooray! #GeeksCorner‘s official barista has officially joined us, and has committed to spending the rest of the day with us! New life in our scheme!


  1. Someday Our Prince Will Come


…and away to his castle we‘ll go… …on not-a-log-ride, I knoooooow…..


  1. The Schuyler Sisters


Work, work.


  1. Special Guest Star… Laura!


The Booking Manager for #GeeksCorner (and my wife) swings by for a few laps! We must keep up excitement! EXCITEMENT!


  1. #Selfie


All right, gang. Let us get Meta. A picture of us taking a picture of ourselves. So edgy. So new.






  1. The All Is Lost Moment


There is no meaning to what we are doing. The action is a representation of the futility of it all. The log represents us. Falling. Falling.


  1. Symbolism


Representations through art will free us from the cycle. The never-ending cycle.


  1. Really, Camera?


Okay. We know you‘re there. We can see you. What is you‘re game?

…It was shortly after this we realized Laura was gone. Did she leave? Did we?


  1. Bargaining


O Splash. Where have we gone wrong?



… … …


  1. The Influence of the Unordained


There were little ones with us. We knew neither their names, nor their time or place. They instructed us in a culturally relevant pose, known only as a, “sweet dab“. We humored their need to share. We were like them once. So long ago.


  1. Maniacal Laugh


Hah! You thought you would win, camera. But we know. We have always known. We knew that you have known. Now you must know.


  1. Two Arose


A brief reprieve from the cycle, Tyler and Hayley (@tylerepperson and @hayleythehatter on Instagram, respectively) join us for the evening runs. They wore bags on their shoes, and greeted us with tales of adventures beyond Critter Country.

Reality has fractured. We know them to be hallucinations.

There is no beyond Critter Country. There is only the log. The log, and the damp.


  1. Work, Wor- Wait.

Have we not been here before? No. No.


That must have been the Dream of Before.


Or is this the Dream?

Look how lucky we are to be alive right now.


  1. The Illusion of Choice

All of us, thinking we have chosen to be as we are in the moment.

We are all connected; all the same.

Connected through the log. The log is us.




  1. Totem


Log. Log.



  1. The Loss

Maybe. Maybe if we do not see what it is that we are in the process of becoming, we can not be what we are no longer.



Shield your eyes as well, Log. You need not see our betrayal.

…Is Laura back? Was she gone? Were any of us ever not?


  1. Accceptance

We know ourselves in you, O Log the Redeemer, splintery Forgiver of our Transgressions. May all be as Wood. Wood, and Drops, and drops of wood. Log Log Log Log Log.





  1. Join Us

It is your turn. Splash Mountain awaits.


The Aftermath

After gratuitous sleep, bathing, and a few slaps to the face, I think we have recovered a bit. I awoke the next morning with no voice, shivers, and a very, very sore behind.

We totaled 27 rides on Splash Mountain on the 27th of January, over the span of the ten hours the park was open that day (10AM-8PM).

The ride is estimated at 9:18 per go, which means we spent a total of just over four hours on the ride itself. Four. Hours.

According to the Health monitor I wore for the duration of our day, we walked 9.62 miles, and went up 47 floors of stairs. That distance and those steps are literally only from stepping off of the ride until we stepped back on, not counting the distances or the heights on the ride itself. So, to put it another way, we went near ten miles and climbed over TWO Statues Of Liberty IN LINE.

We are tired. We are sore.

We had fun.

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