Who Would Win: Disney Villains Edition

It’s as old as geekdom to pit our obsessions against each other in fictional battles. Many an argument has been had, and several friendships tested.

But, what if we put same against relative same? Let’s say, hypothetically, all of the best (or worst) Disney villains got in a scrap, who would win? Well, wonder no longer! Using sophisticated algorithmic techniques (and a lot of explode-y sounds made with my mouth whilst bashing action figures together), I have created a definitive match-up guide to Disney’s most evil evildoers. Be sure to leave your thoughts, and suggestions for future match-ups in the comments below!

Maleficent vs. Jafar

Title:

Mistress of All Evil ~|~ Sultan-by-proxy

Type:

Evil Fairy ~|~ Human Mage

Weapon of Choice:

Golden Staff ~|~ Snake Staff

Special Skill:

Turning in to a Dragon | Turning into an all-powerful Genie

Defining Trait/Quirk:

A desire for party invites ~|~ A desire for family life/supreme power

Sidekick(s):

Diablo (bird) ~|~ Iago (bird)

Weakness:

Heart Attacks/ Royalty with a good arm ~|~ Huburis/Street rats

Winner:

Maleficent

Still the reigning Mistress of All Evil, she is not restricted in her most powerful form as a dragon, whereas Jafar is beholden to the wills of his lamp. Knowing her penchant for creative evil, Maleficent would most likely be able to use this to her advantage.

Mother Gothel vs. Lady Tremaine

Title:

Witch (I think?) ~|~ Lady

Type:

Human/Immortal ~|~ Human/Immoral

Weapon of Choice:

Dagger  ~|~  Psychological Abuse

Special Skill:

Songwriting ~|~  Hype Man

Defining Trait/Quirk:

Taking in unwanted blonde stepdaughters  ~|~  Taking in unwanted blonde stepdaughters

Sidekick(s):

Hired Siblings ~|~ Biological Siblings

Weakness:

Barbers  ~|~ Shoemakers

Winner:

Mother Gothel

While Tremaine is a brand of evil in her own right, Gothel has demonstrated a willingness, and an aptitude for taking out her competitors a bit more aggressively.

Clayton vs. Gaston

Title:

Adventuring Guide ~|~ Hometown Hero

Type:

Hunter (w/moustache)  ~|~  Hunter (w/o moustache)

Weapon of Choice:

Boomstick  ~|~ Musket

Special Skill:

Men’s fashion accessories ~|~ Rustic Interior Design

Defining Trait/Quirk:

A penchant for xenophobia  ~|~  A penchant for eggs

Sidekick(s):

His own chin  ~|~  LeFou

Weakness:

Sharp drops  ~|~ Sudden stops

Winner:

Clayton

As robust as Gaston’s skills are as a hunter, it all comes down to firepower. Clayton’s got better equipment, and more opportunity to use it.

Scar vs. Shere Khan

Title:

Lion King  ~|~ Tiger King

Type:

Ostracized cat ~|~ Ostracized cat

Weapon of Choice:

Claws/teeth  ~|~ Claws/teeth

Special Skill:

Inspiring the proletariat ~|~ Stripes? I guess?

Defining Trait/Quirk:

Scar Striping Face ~|~ Stripes Striping Face

Sidekick(s):

Hyenas  ~|~ Kaa

Weakness:

Insubordination ~|~ Man’s red fire

Winner:

Scar

Even if this is a 1v1 fight, Scar could take a hit, as evidenced by his fight with Simba, but it’s doubtful that it’d be a fair fight. Scar’s command over the hyenas would surely come in to play, and turn the tides on the fight. Long live the king.

Governor Ratcliffe vs. Judge Claude Frollo

Title:

Municipal Leader w/ silly hat ~|~ Municipal Leader w/ silly hat

Type:

Invader  ~|~ Adjudicator

Weapon of Choice:

Flintshot ~|~ Piety

Special Skill:

Chess  ~|~ Tending hearth

Defining Trait/Quirk:

GOLD ~|~ SIN

Sidekick(s):

Percy ~|~ God

Weakness:

Gold  ~|~ God

Winner:

Judge Frollo

The Governor certainly has him outgunned, but also has too much sucking up on record to the church and authority. Plus, all those big words Frollo uses would surely confuse and overtake him.

Hades vs. Chernabog

Title:

God of the Underworld  ~|~ God of the Night

Type:

Olympian/Immortal ~|~ Demon/Immortal

Weapon of Choice:

Hot-headedness ~|~ Himself

Special Skill:

Control over the dead ~|~ Raising of the dead

Defining Trait/Quirk:

Sparkling conversationalist ~|~ Strong, silent type

Sidekick(s):

Pain & Panic (demons) ~|~ Pain & Panic (actions)

Weakness:

Zeus’ son ~|~ The sun

Winner:

Chernabog

When it’s god up against god, it really comes down to who can bring the most deity to the party. The sheer scale of Chernabog, means that even with equal durability, eventually he will win. Also, Hades has a track record with losing to the dead.

Yzma vs Ursula

Title:

Advisor/Scientist ~|~ Sea Witch

Type:

Really old, old human ~|~ O- Octopus Mermaid? Octomaid?

Weapon of Choice:

Tonics, tinctures, potions, and salves ~|~ Legalese

Special Skill:

Surprise garter knife ~|~ Body language

Defining Trait/Quirk:

Elaborate scheming ~|~ That good, good cackle

Sidekick(s):

Kronk ~|~ Flotsam & Jetsam

Weakness:

Labels ~|~ Boats

Winner:

Yzma

It’s a classic case of science trumping magic. Whatever Ursula can conjure, odds are Yzma has a vial of something that can take it. Go Science!

Captain Hook vs. Shan Yu

Title:

Captain ~|~ Commander

Type:

Pirate ~|~ Leader

Weapon of Choice:

Hook ~|~ …or by crook

Special Skill:

Riding the high seas ~|~ Riding a mountain… or rather, the mountain riding him

Defining Trait/Quirk:

…it’s in the name ~|~ I mean, a distant relative of Azazel? That’s a deep-cut Supernatural reference.

Sidekick(s):

Smee (first mate) ~|~ Hayabusa (falcon)

Weakness:

Ageism ~|~ Sexism

Winner:

Shan Yu

Let’s face it- Hook is pretty inept.

Shan Yu, on the other hand, SURVIVED AN AVALANCHE.

Dr. Facillier vs. Oogie Boogie

Title:

Voodoo priest ~|~ Sack with bugs

Type:

Shadowmancer ~|~ Sack with bugs

Weapon of Choice:

Playing Cards ~|~ Sack with bugs

Special Skill:

Has read all the “Transformers” novels ~|~ Is literally a sentient sack with a bunch of bugs

Defining Trait/Quirk:

Impressive haberdashery ~|~ Did we mention the bugs?

Sidekick(s):

Friends on the other side ~|~ Children. For some reason.

Weakness:

Letting his work get to him ~|~ The sack getting ripped. Because of all the bugs.

Winner:

Oogie Boogie

What’s Faciller going to do, turn him in to other bugs? He likes being bugs!

BUGS.

Prince Hans of the Southern Isles vs. Queen Grimhilde

Title:

Prince ~|~ Queen

Type:

Jerk ~|~ Human? Alchemist?

Weapon of choice:

Sword/Smarm ~|~ Produce/Heart-shaped box

Special Skill:

Being literally the worst ~|~ Longbottoming

Defining Trait/Quirk:

Glove enthusiast ~|~ Vanity

Sidekick(s):

Anna (unbeknownst to her) ~|~ A talking mirror

Weakness:

A Mortal Kombat fatality move ~|~ Twue Wuv

Winner:

Prince Hans

In a shocking upset, victory goes to the whiny youngest of 12. Why? Because he’s exactly the type of scum the Queen would go for- handsome, charming, and over-enthusiastic in his compliments.


How’d I do? Did I miss any villains? Any match-ups you think I decided incorrectly (I mean, I didn’t, but hey. You can have opinions)? Comment below!

Share your thoughts and comment!